വഴികൾ

ഞാൻ നടന്ന വഴികൾ ഞാൻ വേട്ടിയതായിരുന്നില്ല.
അവ എനിക്ക് മുന്നേ നടന്നവരുടെ
വിയർപ്പും കണ്ണുനീരും വീണു മിനുസപ്പെട്ടതായിരുന്നു.
ആ വഴികൾ എന്നെ ഭയപെടുത്തിയില്ല.
ഇതാണ് നീ പോകേണ്ട വഴി എന്ന് പറയാൻ ഏറെ ശബ്ദങ്ങൾ.

പിന്നീടെപ്പോഴോ കാലുകൾ  ഇടറി തുടങ്ങി കൈകൾ വിറച്ചു തുടങ്ങി
എന്റെ വഴിയിലെ തണ്ണീർ പന്തലിൽ  വെള്ളം വറ്റിയിരുന്നു
പ്രോത്സഹിപിച്ചിരുന്ന ശബ്ദങ്ങൾ നിലച്ചിരുന്നു
ഒരു നിമിഷം ഞാനും ചിന്തിച്ചു പൊയ്
ഞാൻ നടന്ന വഴി തെറ്റൊ ?
മുന്നേ പോയവരുടെ കാല്പാടുകൾ
എന്നോട് പറയാൻ ശ്രമിച്ച വാക്കുകൾക്കു
കാതോർക്കാൻ മടിച്ചതിൽ ഖേദിച്ച നിമിഷങ്ങൾ
 
ഇന്ന് ഞാൻ ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് നില്കുന്നു ഈ വഴിയിൽ 
ഒട്ടപെടലിനെ മാത്രം ഭയന്ന് കൊണ്ട്
ഞാൻ സഞ്ചരിക്കാൻ മടിച്ച വഴികളെ ഓർത്തു 

എനിക്ക് പുറകെ വരുന്നവരോട് പറയാൻ ഒന്ന് മാത്രം.
സ്വന്തം വഴി  സ്വയം കണ്ടെതുവിൻ 
കാടിനും മലയ്കും കുറുകെ സ്വയം വഴി വെട്ടുവിൻ.
അറിയുക പാത ഏതായാലും നിങ്ങൾ ഏകാന്ത പതിഅകർ.
കൂടെ ഉണ്ടെന്നു നിങ്ങൾ കരുതുന്നവരെല്ലാം ഒരു നാൾ മാഞ്ഞു പോകും
അപ്പോളും സ്വന്തമായി വെട്ടിയ വഴിയിൽ നിങ്ങൾക്കു നിങ്ങളെ കണ്ടെത്താനാകും
മിനുസപെട്ടവയിൽ നിങ്ങൾ പകച്ചു നിന്ന് പോകും.

ഞാൻ നനയാൻ മറന്ന മഴയ്ക്ക്

ഞാൻ നനയാൻ മറന്ന മഴയ്ക്ക്

നീ എന്നും കുളിരേകിയ എന്റെ കൂട്ടുകാരി 
പക്ഷെ ഞാൻ ഇന്ന് നിന്നിലെക്കിറങ്ങാൻ മറന്നിരിക്കുന്നു
നഗരത്തിന്റെ  ബഹളത്തിൽ ഞാൻ നിന്റെ ആരവം കേട്ടില്ല.
ഉള്ളിലേക്ക് മാത്രം നോകിയ എന്റെ കണ്ണുകളിൽ കാർമേഘങ്ങൾ തെളിഞ്ഞില്ല
വെറുങ്ങലിച്ച എന്റെ ഹൃദയം നിന്റെ വരവ് അറിഞ്ഞില്ല
നീ തുള്ളിയായി പെയ്തു ഇറങ്ങിയപ്പോൾ
എന്റെ ജാലകങ്ങൾ അടഞ്ഞു കിടന്നു.
നീ ആർത്തു ഉല്ലസിച്ചു തിമർത്തു  പെയ്തപ്പോൾ
ഞാൻ അടഞ്ഞ വാതിലിനിപ്പുറം ഇരുന്നു
നീ യാത്ര പറഞ്ഞു പോകാൻ ഒരുങ്ങിയപ്പോൾ  
മുഖത്തേക്ക്  പാറി വന്ന നിന്റെ കൈകള തട്ടി മാറ്റി.
ക്ഷമികുക ഞാൻ എന്നിലേക്ക്‌ ചുരുങ്ങുന്നു
എന്നെ ഞാൻ ആക്കിയ നിന്നെ മറന്നു
നീ തന്ന സ്വപ്നങ്ങളെ മറന്നു നീ തന്ന ഓർമകളെ  മറന്നു
നിന്ടെ വിശാലമായ ആകാശം ഇന്നെനികൊരു ആഡംബരം മാത്രം

Stuck between generations

Being born as a female into a matriarchal family is one of the most privileged births. But actually are these families still matriarchal ? do the people involved still believe in respecting women like they used to?  In a mostly patriarchal society, the customs probably stood out but was popularly accepted as the norms of a strong division of the society. But as time progressed, the female freedom and priority started becoming a source of irritation and jealousy to the male ego of the clan. From a group of men who respected the ladies of the house as well as outside, a large part of them became egoistic and believed they were given little or no respect in their own house holds. This could have been the case with some of them but definitely was not the same with everyone.

They were the hidden chauvinists of the society who were afraid of raising their voice against female freedom in a public manner. These chauvinists penetrated through generations polluting the clan with their ego and jealousy. The numbers progressed though in a slow manner but the inner chauvinist was seldom visible to a casual onlooker. They were hidden under the strong influence of the past but were developing under the patriarchal impose of the newer generations.

But the effects of this hidden virus were profound. It was in its worst form when they started infecting the females of the group. The male versions were hidden inside a well cultured upbringing, but the female versions were publicly advocating patriarchy . They were the ones who celebrated the birth of a son when it was women who carried the family name forward. They were the ones who spread the idea of family began with husband and end with kids. While for a vast majority family still meant family home and every single member whom they grew up with.

The idea of nuclear families were spreading fast as they were easy and independent and was very much appealing to the male ego being the king. The utter dependence of the female could only be assured if she was separated from her own "family" and this became the motto for the male chauvinists and advocates of nuclear families. If you were to stay close to your family (other than husband and kids) you were portrayed as the spoil spot. This idea of nuclear families where men ruled and women obeyed was also advocated as the ideal family by the society.

But again coming from a strong matriarchal line, this was not easily acceptable for many women. The clash of these ideas later became a major cause of unrest in such families. The reasons were unclear in most cases and were easily blamed on the women being more educated and more decisive. This fight between the old school and new school is still happening in wide majority of such families and there are lots of people stuck between generations.

The overpowering of either ideas by another is not easy as one is based on generations of believing and character forming while the other is based on an easy and popular idea. In any case, in this new era where women are fighting for their rights and freedom, it is always important to remember in a time where men ruled and controlled, there were a group of women who were strong and educated enough to stand up and lead the way. Even though we may never be able to follow their model, lets show some respect to them and feel proud of that tradition.

A little heart beat...

A little heart beat, that was all that took to reassure me that everything is going to be fine. It could even bring a faint smile to my face. It was in that moment lying on an inspection table in a hospital that i realised that small things can be powerful too. It made me remember me that i am capable of such deep and strong emotions.

Life had become somewhat a routine after almost 3 years of marriage and a full time job. Living in a place far away from what i could call home only added to my monotonous life. So when i became pregnant, i didn't feel much it was nothing more than a small discomfort in the belly. life went as ususal.

Nausea , morning sickness, back pain, all this added to my plight. And all i could think was completing the nine months and going back to my normal life. Even when people asked me will you work after having baby, all i could say was why shouldn't i ? I will hire a maid and go back to work. but i never realised that little thing growing inside me already had such a strong grip on me. It was a regular morning. I was in the office washroom ( a place where i spent more time than my desk since i became pregnant) and suddenly there was a red stain in the toilet. I couldn't accept what was happening. I couldn't think what to do. A part of me was even asking me to ignore it as it was going to be hard to face it. But somehow i gathered enough strength and took my bag and took a taxi to hospital.

It was when i opened my purse that i realised i didn't have enough money if something out of regular is going to happen. I was surprised at my ability to think logically at that point. I didn't even make a single phone call till i reached the hospital and took an appointment. I was usually a very scared person. I was scared of hospitals, I was scared of injections. I had to consult someone every time i had to make a simple decision. but this time, it felt like i was totally someone else.

Finally when i sat down in front of the inspection room waiting for my turn, tears started rolling out of my eyes. I just could not control, I didn't know why. i knew i was in a safe palce. I knew i had already done what i had to do and that i had done that well and without anybody's help. But i was still crying.I was not sure if it was that i had to face such a situation all alone that made me cry or that a hard realisation that when it came to the most important things every single human being was alone. When doctor called me in, i could not even look at her or explain what happened i was totally lost in tears.

She took me to the examination table. Put the heart beat scanner to my belly. It was squealing. I asked her is everything ok? she told me it is just the machine having a loose contact. And  finally after a lot of trying and minutes that felt like hours, i heard it, a small heart beat. Feeble but strong, steady and fast. At that moment, all my worries and sadness vanished. I knew everything was going to be fine. It was like this was all that mattered.

In the past 26 years of my life, I have very seldom felt such strong emotions. But anything i ever felt till that day was nothing compared to this. That was the moment i knew that i cared so much for this baby and i loved it probably more than i ever knew. That was the moment i became a mother. Even though my baby will take four more months to come, i knew how much that baby is going to matter, how much my world and my priorities are going to change.

how giving birth to a son turned me into a feminist

About 15 days ago i gave birth to a baby boy. A cute boy who clings on to me nearly every waking moment. A beautiful feeling mixed with intense emotions that almost consumed every other person in my life. Any how, i pulled myself out of it and my life started getting normal again.

And i started listening to people around me their thoughts and their words. I could hear people congratulating me saying it's a boy. I could hear people saying oh you are lucky it's a boy. i didn't take it seriously at first. But then nearly everybody who came to see the baby made a remark to remind me how lucky i am that i have a baby boy. Not to offend anybody but i would like to remind all of you that only because i was a baby girl once that i was able to give birth to a baby boy now.

I was wondering what is wrong with our society, or even in such an educated and cultured environment why was i encountering a problem like this. I started thinking what could i do to change this. But then came the real blow. I heard it from my own parents. That was when i realised whatever i had to do i had to start from my own home. What could have i possibly done to make my own parents think that i was not enough or it was better if they had a boy.

A few hours of thinking into how me and my life turned out, i started realising it was not something i did rather it was the things i never did. When i couldn't stand up for me and other women around me, how could i expect anybody to believe it was good to have a girl.

In the last few years, there were moments when i had to agree silently when i heard people say we should not educate girls much because in the long run, all they had to do was take care of the family. I don't know what turned me into such a snob, may be the fact that i was not taking care of a serious career or that at some point, even i have felt that a masters degree in chemical engineering was an over qualification for a house wife. There were situations when i had to close my eyes to physical violence against women,  there were people i knew i had to support but stayed quite just because i was scared to raise my voice.

Today if i don't fight for my respect and prove that i am enough, i am scared i can never teach my son to respect woman. If i am not strong enough, he will never believe that any woman he meets is as good as he is. So a word to every mother whether you have a son or a daughter, be strong show them you can be and will be strong. So that our boys learn to respect every woman they meet in their life and our girls recognise their true potential.

When dreams become nightmares

In every child, there is a dream, a dream to be somebody. Somebody important in life so that he/she feels like they have done something in life. Every boy/girl who plays with a doctor set or building set dreams of being a great doctor who will help sick people or of a great architect who builds stunning buildings that will leave a mark on mankind.

So what is happening? are people really happy just by satisfying their need for money? Or its just those some people who make it happen has real dreams? am not sure of the first question but for the second one, i know its not true. I know some people who had real dreams that turned to nightmares. I am not sure of all their stories but i know of few that happened around me and inside me.

So when do they start thinking it is ok to be a nobody or it is enough to be a just another doctor or just another engineer? When do they start to walk away from their dreams, away from their believes, towards a "normal" life where they fit in perfectly and earn enough to live a life that makes their families happy, and their dreams stay as dreams forever.Their dreams become nightmares and haunt them in the nights after a "normal" day of work. They haunt them in their mornings as ego and performance below average and hurt their evenings with family as frustrations and delayed work hours.

So many of us had dreams,  real ones that could help a whole bunch of people in some way or the other when we were kids, if not anybody else those dreams when realised could help the individual himself. It could make his life blissful and not boring and monotonous. He would still smile from his heart at 40 or 50. He would still look at his parents and could see pride in their eyes and not search for shame or inadequacy in their dialogues.

 Like i told you earlier, i cannot sum up every body's story in here but i can talk to you about those few i saw around me. The first check point is met by those who were sadly gifted by god and has a talent for art or literature. These are the people who dreamt of becoming an artist or a singer or a writer but somehow in the current society set up all these are secondary professions which are considered to be less glamorous or earns less compared to other. They are quietly turned into books by killing their talents and dreams.

Then there were dreams that forced them to study hard sipping coffee through cold mornings and believing studying is enough and everything else can wait. They are mostly average individuals for whom it takes a lot of effort to make a mark, with increased pressure from their parents and driven by their dreams they work hard clear some entrance in good score and get into some top notch colleges. This is the point where some dreams are broken where their avg brilliance (according to entrance scores and family members) is met with high dreams who tell them it is impossible to make it so high for you so just do what you can and be good at that. People accept that and move on studying the course they had to settle for or their parents could afford.

Some people manage to save some more and go ahead to do a course that will help them realise their dreams. Then comes college where teachers shows off their knowledge and awareness ( or lack of it) where you are first aware of your faulty education system. But somehow even if the individual manages to clear the college with good grades, then comes the pressure of campus selection (for engineers of course, like i told you, this is the story i am aware of) if  you did not get a campus selection, you are not good enough and obviously the brilliant ones or the hard workers who are capable of realising their dreams end up with more than one placement. Then comes the pressure part where you are forced to take up those jobs as it would help your family financially or for girls to get a good husband. The third point where dreams are crushed. If you manage to survive all these three points, you actually have a chance in realizing your dreams.

I don't know whom to blame for all this, parent who do not understand their children, the faulty education system, our current social set up, i am not sure. But one thing i know if you fall down in any one of these three check points, you actually fall into a groove, a groove in the system from which you can never get out or it would take nothing short of a miracle for you to actually get out of it.

I would like to recall our former president the well respected Dr. APJ Abdul kalam's words here "dreams are not what you see in sleep, it is the one thing that dosen't let you sleep" True sir, we are a generation that are haunted by our own dreams. But i do promise you one thing if i get a chance to protect somebody's dream or even fight for it i would definitely do it as i could not do justice to mine.

Dedicated to all my friends who lost their dreams and to those who realised it, am proud of all of you as i know if we did give up, it is just because we felt something else was more worth it.

God and me

"God" and me, we have lived 25 years together or not together. He lived inside me as a clear image of krishna from since i remember but later went on to the vibrant images shiva, godesses, etc.. but he did stay in there. When i was sad, i questioned him, when i was hurt, i blamed him, when i was desperate i begged to him. As time progressed, he was my way of explaining death, my way of understanding wrong decisions.

But at one point in my life, i realized he was no more my string of hope, but he was my rock. The rock behind which i hid my failures. I was at a loss. I could pray no more. I felt i knew too much to close my eyes and just say "oh god , please make this happen for me'. It was so easy to be a believer. But i still am not a non believer. I have just lost faith in closing my eyes and chanting daily.

I believe in the supreme power of the universe, i believe in working hard to make something happen, i believe in doing good for the people around me, i believe in honesty and truthfulness, but i have lost my blind faith in god. I lost him somewhere between my spiritual search and understanding the ways of universe.

I am afraid i have even lost faith in him to actually hope that my faith will be restored one day. So god walked out on me. But why? He didn't betray me, he never actually disappoint me in any way.

I believe in going to temples i believe in the positive vibes there, i believe in lighting the lamp in my home, i believe it purifies my home. But i lost faith in the images that were once my reason to survive everything that came my way.

So why did he actually leave me? or did i leave him? I remember thanking him for every road he made me take, for all those small things that actually contributed to making me who i am and to getting me to where i am. But there was always this question, now what? i think i saw god associated with my goals in life. I was closest to him when i knew i was nowhere near my dream and it will take some divine intervention to get there. Divine or not, i always got there. So then i thanked him. This went on till one day, i lost my dreams to reality. The fairy-tale ceased to exit. Life was beautiful but not magical. Beautiful was enough so magical was forgotten and so was my faith, without faith i never needed god.

But god did come back to me, when smile bloomed through misery, i saw his light, when success rose from suffering i saw his strength and when love bloomed, i felt his blessing. I realized i was looking for him in the wrong places, he was always there inside me, as a friend and a guide, as my support and ladder. Dear god, once more i would like to thank you for making my life so beautiful that i could feel you in every breath i take.