Stuck between generations

Being born as a female into a matriarchal family is one of the most privileged births. But actually are these families still matriarchal ? do the people involved still believe in respecting women like they used to?  In a mostly patriarchal society, the customs probably stood out but was popularly accepted as the norms of a strong division of the society. But as time progressed, the female freedom and priority started becoming a source of irritation and jealousy to the male ego of the clan. From a group of men who respected the ladies of the house as well as outside, a large part of them became egoistic and believed they were given little or no respect in their own house holds. This could have been the case with some of them but definitely was not the same with everyone.

They were the hidden chauvinists of the society who were afraid of raising their voice against female freedom in a public manner. These chauvinists penetrated through generations polluting the clan with their ego and jealousy. The numbers progressed though in a slow manner but the inner chauvinist was seldom visible to a casual onlooker. They were hidden under the strong influence of the past but were developing under the patriarchal impose of the newer generations.

But the effects of this hidden virus were profound. It was in its worst form when they started infecting the females of the group. The male versions were hidden inside a well cultured upbringing, but the female versions were publicly advocating patriarchy . They were the ones who celebrated the birth of a son when it was women who carried the family name forward. They were the ones who spread the idea of family began with husband and end with kids. While for a vast majority family still meant family home and every single member whom they grew up with.

The idea of nuclear families were spreading fast as they were easy and independent and was very much appealing to the male ego being the king. The utter dependence of the female could only be assured if she was separated from her own "family" and this became the motto for the male chauvinists and advocates of nuclear families. If you were to stay close to your family (other than husband and kids) you were portrayed as the spoil spot. This idea of nuclear families where men ruled and women obeyed was also advocated as the ideal family by the society.

But again coming from a strong matriarchal line, this was not easily acceptable for many women. The clash of these ideas later became a major cause of unrest in such families. The reasons were unclear in most cases and were easily blamed on the women being more educated and more decisive. This fight between the old school and new school is still happening in wide majority of such families and there are lots of people stuck between generations.

The overpowering of either ideas by another is not easy as one is based on generations of believing and character forming while the other is based on an easy and popular idea. In any case, in this new era where women are fighting for their rights and freedom, it is always important to remember in a time where men ruled and controlled, there were a group of women who were strong and educated enough to stand up and lead the way. Even though we may never be able to follow their model, lets show some respect to them and feel proud of that tradition.

A little heart beat...

A little heart beat, that was all that took to reassure me that everything is going to be fine. It could even bring a faint smile to my face. It was in that moment lying on an inspection table in a hospital that i realised that small things can be powerful too. It made me remember me that i am capable of such deep and strong emotions.

Life had become somewhat a routine after almost 3 years of marriage and a full time job. Living in a place far away from what i could call home only added to my monotonous life. So when i became pregnant, i didn't feel much it was nothing more than a small discomfort in the belly. life went as ususal.

Nausea , morning sickness, back pain, all this added to my plight. And all i could think was completing the nine months and going back to my normal life. Even when people asked me will you work after having baby, all i could say was why shouldn't i ? I will hire a maid and go back to work. but i never realised that little thing growing inside me already had such a strong grip on me. It was a regular morning. I was in the office washroom ( a place where i spent more time than my desk since i became pregnant) and suddenly there was a red stain in the toilet. I couldn't accept what was happening. I couldn't think what to do. A part of me was even asking me to ignore it as it was going to be hard to face it. But somehow i gathered enough strength and took my bag and took a taxi to hospital.

It was when i opened my purse that i realised i didn't have enough money if something out of regular is going to happen. I was surprised at my ability to think logically at that point. I didn't even make a single phone call till i reached the hospital and took an appointment. I was usually a very scared person. I was scared of hospitals, I was scared of injections. I had to consult someone every time i had to make a simple decision. but this time, it felt like i was totally someone else.

Finally when i sat down in front of the inspection room waiting for my turn, tears started rolling out of my eyes. I just could not control, I didn't know why. i knew i was in a safe palce. I knew i had already done what i had to do and that i had done that well and without anybody's help. But i was still crying.I was not sure if it was that i had to face such a situation all alone that made me cry or that a hard realisation that when it came to the most important things every single human being was alone. When doctor called me in, i could not even look at her or explain what happened i was totally lost in tears.

She took me to the examination table. Put the heart beat scanner to my belly. It was squealing. I asked her is everything ok? she told me it is just the machine having a loose contact. And  finally after a lot of trying and minutes that felt like hours, i heard it, a small heart beat. Feeble but strong, steady and fast. At that moment, all my worries and sadness vanished. I knew everything was going to be fine. It was like this was all that mattered.

In the past 26 years of my life, I have very seldom felt such strong emotions. But anything i ever felt till that day was nothing compared to this. That was the moment i knew that i cared so much for this baby and i loved it probably more than i ever knew. That was the moment i became a mother. Even though my baby will take four more months to come, i knew how much that baby is going to matter, how much my world and my priorities are going to change.

how giving birth to a son turned me into a feminist

About 15 days ago i gave birth to a baby boy. A cute boy who clings on to me nearly every waking moment. A beautiful feeling mixed with intense emotions that almost consumed every other person in my life. Any how, i pulled myself out of it and my life started getting normal again.

And i started listening to people around me their thoughts and their words. I could hear people congratulating me saying it's a boy. I could hear people saying oh you are lucky it's a boy. i didn't take it seriously at first. But then nearly everybody who came to see the baby made a remark to remind me how lucky i am that i have a baby boy. Not to offend anybody but i would like to remind all of you that only because i was a baby girl once that i was able to give birth to a baby boy now.

I was wondering what is wrong with our society, or even in such an educated and cultured environment why was i encountering a problem like this. I started thinking what could i do to change this. But then came the real blow. I heard it from my own parents. That was when i realised whatever i had to do i had to start from my own home. What could have i possibly done to make my own parents think that i was not enough or it was better if they had a boy.

A few hours of thinking into how me and my life turned out, i started realising it was not something i did rather it was the things i never did. When i couldn't stand up for me and other women around me, how could i expect anybody to believe it was good to have a girl.

In the last few years, there were moments when i had to agree silently when i heard people say we should not educate girls much because in the long run, all they had to do was take care of the family. I don't know what turned me into such a snob, may be the fact that i was not taking care of a serious career or that at some point, even i have felt that a masters degree in chemical engineering was an over qualification for a house wife. There were situations when i had to close my eyes to physical violence against women,  there were people i knew i had to support but stayed quite just because i was scared to raise my voice.

Today if i don't fight for my respect and prove that i am enough, i am scared i can never teach my son to respect woman. If i am not strong enough, he will never believe that any woman he meets is as good as he is. So a word to every mother whether you have a son or a daughter, be strong show them you can be and will be strong. So that our boys learn to respect every woman they meet in their life and our girls recognise their true potential.