Rayan

Rayan- That is what we call our son. Since the day we called him that, I have had so many people including close family and friends question me why did you name him that. I could only say We as parents liked that name. 

Hailing from traditional hindu families, we were expected to call our son by a name of God. Even we had nothing against it. We tried. We just couldnt find one that will suit him. We just wanted a simple and easy name that can be understood by all the people he will come accross living in a multi cultutal existence like UAE. 

The moment I give my kid's name, the first question i hear is are you a muslim? I say no. Are you a christian? I say no again. Then you are a hindu? I say yes. Then why did you give him a Muslim/ Christian name? I say a name is a name. How can you attribute religion to a name. 

The first time the word Rayan struck my mind was when I went to the Grand mosque for the first time. I was so surprised by it's grandeur and elegance, i was so keen to take in all the details. When we reached the entrance of the mosque i saw a beautiful depcition of wild flowers in white marble covering the whole entrance. Then the guide said. This is to represent Al Rayaan the Gateway to heaven. I went there with my husband on our wedding anniversary. Al Rayaan stayed with me since. When we were searching for names for our child my husband said There is Raayan - which means Lord Maha Vishnu. I googled and also say Ryan which is an irish name which means Little king. 

I just loved the universality of the name and decided to go with it

Rayaan - Gateway to heaven

Raayan - Lord Maha vishnu

Ryan - Little king

We finally settled on Rayan - Simple and uncomplicated. 

My faith

Every time I am in the presence of a believer, I become insecure. I am insecure about the fact that I cannot believe in anything or anyone without doubting or questioning so strongly. I am scared that unless I have something so strong to hold on to, I will be in trouble if i have to face a bad situation. Not that I have not faced bad situations. Yes i have had my share of everything in my life till date and surprisingly I have survived everything. there was a time when I felt I would loose myself but climbed back up by detaching myself from the problem and people associated with it. In some way I feel I am a runner. I would prefer to run than stay and face it. That was the reason I felt it was my inability to believe in something like god or religion with utter faith and surrender that is leading to my lack of rooting.

This concept of mine was shattered the day my son fell sick and i had run with him to hospital in the night. When the call came from hospital to bring the child back because there was trouble in the test results, the first thing I did was sit and eat my dinner. because my kid was sick whole day i didn't get much time to eat and i was feeling weak by this time. I realised I had to be strong for him. I ate and took him to hospital. I was not bothered about the fact that I was alone, I do not have even a single soul to turn to if something goes wrong. I knew I was enough. For my child, I could fight the world. I could face anything and go to any level if that had to be done for my baby.

This was all that needed to tell me that I ran only because the fight was not worth it. I ran because I didnt care enough to stand back and fight. I realised i do not need a religion or god to actually give me strength. this incident was a reminder of the fact that all I needed was love. My love for the people around me was enough for me to fight the world for them. 

അസ്തമയം

ഇനിയും മായാത്ത പ്രണയമേ അറിയുന്നുവോ നിയിത് സായംസന്ധ്യയെന്നു
അസ്തമയ സൂര്യന്റെ തീക്ഷ്ണത ഞാൻ നിന്റെ കണ്ണുകളിൽ കാണുന്നു

നിന്റെ ഓർമ്മകൾ നക്ഷത്രങ്ങൾ ആയി പിറന്നു  തുടങ്ങിയിരിക്കുന്നു
ഇനി എനിക്ക് അവ മാത്രമേ വഴികാട്ടി ആയി ഉള്ളു എന്ന് ഞാൻ അറിയുന്നു

രാത്രിയെ ഞാൻ ഭയകുനില്ല അസ്തമയം പ്രകൃതി നിയമം മാത്രം
എങ്കിലും പ്രകൃതിയെ പോലും പിടിച്ചു വെക്കാൻ മോഹിച്ചു പോകുന്നു

ഇനിയെനിക്ക് രാത്രികലില്ല നീ തന്ന സുന്ദര പ്രഭാതങ്ങളുടെ ഓർമ്മകൾ മാത്രം

ഞാൻ കണ്ട കണ്ണൻ

ഗുരുവായൂര് കണ്ണൻ
തൃശൂർ ഇലെ ഒരു പഴയ തറവാടിൽ വളര്ന്ന എന്റെ ബാല്യം എന്നും ഗുരുവായൂരപ്പന്റെ  നാമം ചൊല്ലി വിലക്ക് വെച്ചിരുന്ന അമ്മൂമ്മ . ഞാൻ പഠിച്ചതെല്ലാം കണ്ണന്റെ  നാമങ്ങൾ. ഞാൻ കേടതെല്ലാം കണ്ണന്റെ കഥകൾ.

കണ്ണനെ ഞാൻ പല രീതിയിൽ ആണ് കണ്ടിരുന്നത്‌. കമ്മ്യൂണിസം പറഞ്ഞിരുന്ന അച്ഛന്ടെ കയ്യിലെ മോതിരത്തിൽ, അച്ഛന്ടെ വിശ്വാസമായി. ജീവിതത്തിലെ എല്ലാ പ്രതിസന്ധിയിലും എന്റെ അമ്മൂമ്മയെ കാത്ത അമ്മൂമ്മയുടെ രക്ഷകനായി. മേതുള്ളിയിലെ തെവരായി, എന്റെ സുഹൃത്തായി,
മാസതിലോരികലെങ്ങിലും ഗുരുവായുരപ്പനെ കാണാൻ പട്ടു പാവാട ഇട്ടുള്ള പോക്ക് . പിന്നീട് പാവാട സെറ്റ് മുണ്ടിലെക്കും സ്കൂളിൽ നിന്ന് കോളേജ്  ഹോസ്റ്റൽഇലെകും  മാറിയപ്പോൾ എന്റെ മനസ് കൂട്ടുകാരിയിൽ നിന്ന് പ്രണയിനിയിലേക്കും മാറി . ശരിയുടേയും  തെറ്റിന്റെയും  ഇടയിലെ മാര്ഗമായി. കണ്ണന്റെ  ശ രികൾ എന്നും സ്നേഹികുന്നവരുടെ സന്തോഷമാണെന്നും കണ്ണന്റെ തെറ്റുകൾ സ്നേഹികുന്നവരുടെ കണ്ണുനീര ആണെന്നും ഞാൻ അറിഞ്ഞ നാളുകൾ. അങ്ങനെ പിപിന്നെടെപ്പോലോ കണ്ണൻ എനിക്ക് ഒരു ഫിലോസഫി ആയി മാറി.

കണ്ണന്റെ മുൻപിൽ  നിന്ന് ആദ്യമായി എന്റെ ഭാരതാവിന്റെ  കൈ പിടിച്ചു പ്രാര്തിച്ചപ്പോൾ  ഞാൻ ചോദിച്ചത് ഒരു ജീവിതം മുഴുവൻ ഞങ്ങളോട് കൂടെ ഉണ്ടാവനെ  എന്നായിരുന്നു. പിന്നീട് വിദേശ വാസം, ഗുരുവായൂരിൽ  നിനും ഏറെ ദൂരെ, കണ്ണനെ എന്റെ മനസ്സിൽ ഓര്ത് ജീവിതം. പക്ഷെ വീണ്ടും കണ്ണൻ എന്റെ മനസ്സിൽ നിന്നും ജീവിതത്തിലേക് വന്നു എന്റെ മകന്റെ രൂപത്തിൽ . എന്റെ മകനെ ആദ്യമായി കണ്ടപ്പോൾ ചെവിയില ഞാൻ പറഞ്ഞത് "സാന്ദ്രനതമകമനുപമിതം എന്ന് തുടങ്ങുന്ന നാരായനീയത്തിലെ ആദ്യ ശ്ലോകം ആയിരുന്നു.

ഗര്ഭിണി ആയിരുന്നപ്പോൾ വായിച്ചാ നാരായണീയ തത്വങ്ങളിൽ ഞാൻ കണ്ട കണ്ണൻ എന്റെ ജീവിതത്തിലേക് വന്നു. അവന്ടെ കുസൃതികളിൽ ഞാൻ യശോധയുടെ പുണ്യം അനുഭവിച്ചു.  അവനെ ഞാൻ കണ്ണാ എന്ന് വിളിച്ചു.

ഇന്ന് അവനു 1 വയസു. ജീവിതം മുന്നോട് പോകുമ്പോൾ അവനും സുഹൃത്തും വഴികാട്ടിയും താത്വിക ബോധമായും  കണ്ണൻവെരും  എന്ന് ഞാൻ പ്രതീക്ഷിക്കുന്നു.

ഗുരുവയൂരംബല ത്തിലെ തിക്കിലും തെരകിലും അച്ഛന്ടെയും അമ്മയുടെയും ഒക്കത്ത് കേറി എത്തി നോകി ഒരു നോക്ക് കണ്ടു തുടങ്ങിയ കണ്ണന്റെ വിഗ്രഹത്തിൽ നിന്ന് എന്റെ ജീവിതത്തെ തന്നെ നയിക്കുന്ന താത്വിക ചിന്തകളിലെകുള്ള കണ്ണന്റെ വളര്ച്ച. ഗീതയിലെ ശെരി തെറ്റുകളുടെ വ്യാഖ്യാനങ്ങൾ. പ്രണയതിന്റെയും  വിരഹതിന്ടെയും കഥകൾ, ഏതു രീതിയിൽ എടുത്താലും കണ്ണാ നിയെന്നും എന്റെ ഉള്ളില വാഴുന്നു. 

A letter to my son..

Dear monu,

I am writing this letter to tell you about the mistakes of my life so that you can learn something from them and stay away from them..

A lot of people ask me what you want my son to become when he grows up? Most people expect you to be an engineer like your parents or a doctor or a scientist or something equally prestigious. 

But as the woman who gave birth to you, i am telling you i have no expectations of the sort from you. Please do not live to satisfy the society or the people around you because the only heart that you have to overwhelm is your own. Follow your heart and your passion. Earn a living but do not live to earn. You will find people in every turn trying to put you in the "perfect" format of the society. But remember, you are different and you are special and only you knows what will make you happy. 

But yes I will always have one expectation from you, I want you to be a good human being. Every time you raise your hand to help a fellow being, i will feel proud about you. And every instant a woman says he is a gentleman, I will believe that i have done something right in your upbringing. 

I can never promise you the best of everything money can buy, but i promise to teach you the importance of what money can't buy. I promise to give you a happy home and a laughing child hood. 

And last but not the least.. a word about religion.. You will grow up seeing me and your father lighting lamps and praying and might visit to temples with us. But remember religion is a belief and not a way of living. You can choose to believe in any god as long as you know that every living being is an extension of the same god. It took me a lot of years of thinking and reading innumerable books on different religions to learn this. But i hope i can teach this to you in the beginning itself so that you will know that a ten rupee note will be more valuable to a hungry human than to a rich god. 

I hope sincerely that i will be able to do an ok job in bringing you up and even if i mess up, please remember these things...

Love

Amma.

Working women and male chauvinists...

Finally after so much thinking, discussing, taking opinions and much more, i have started to work again leaving my baby in day care.  I will tell you this was not an easy decision, but I believe i am right or rather this is the choice i take for my life. I need not explain my decisions to anybody but since there are so many who would like to offer their opinions for free, i would like to write a few words on the topic.

Like i once put the status, it is never easy for a mom to leave her kid with someone else and stay away from him/her the whole day. Initially i cried through the day and i could not understand what is happening. Given the fact that i am not an emotional person, this was much more than i could handle. And then i realised, I am a MOTHER. And that little human whom i left in day care is an extension of myself. Which made me realise this is the first of many tears i have to flow for him. This will follow with his many heartbreaks small and big, when he finds those special friends who will replace me as his confidante, when he leaves for hostel, when he grows up so much that he can no more be contained in my arms. When every one of these and many more other things happen, i will cry silently knowing this is for the best. And today also i know this is for his best. What motivation will i give my children if i fail to have a career inspite of studying so much, With what face will i tell him study hard you have to find a job and earn your bread if i do not do that? 

These are just my ideas of motherhood. I have nothing against stay at home moms. These decisions are highly influenced by your upbringing and your surroundings . Moreover these are the decisions only a couple can make for themselves.

Now a note to all those of my colleagues who cannot tolerate or accept a woman working with them with the same eyes as a guy, When you tell me and so many others like me, "your baby is so small to be left in day care", I keep quiet not because i respect you. No i have no respect for a man who cannot respect the choices a woman makes for herself. I keep quiet because it think about the woman who is destined to live with you and i feel sorry for her. 

The next category of comments are if you really have to work, why did you even give birth? Dear guys, you have no right whatsoever to question any womans decision to have a baby or not which includes your wife. Because the physical and emotional pain a woman has to undergo to carry a aby for 9 months in her tummy and give birth to it cannot be described by words. And since god has not given you a chance to experience it, kindly keep quiet and respect a woman for that.

Last but not the least of the category of male chauvinists i would like to present here are the ones who actually think woman have some sort of advantage over men in any post this includes comments like " If i were a woman i would have got it for free". Dear sir, I would like to bring in to your kind notice that no university gives any woman an extra mark or sets an easy question paper especially for woman, also flirting or geting advantage is not something you cn associate with any woman. Next time you look at your  (very unfortunate) daughter, please think about her flirting to get an advantage in office. You will understand how we feel when you pass such comments. 

I am not writing this for myself, this is for all those moms who have daughters and actually feels, i should not educate her much because she will also have to endure all these hardships. Dear all, these chauvinists are just jealous pricks. Please don't let thse men dictate your view of what world or men are. Just think about those wonderfull partners who support you and help you with literally everything and understand that you are s busy as they are. Those are the real men and please tell your daughters to set their bars high. Aim for the stars ladies, there is nothing you cannot achieve if you ever want to