God and me

"God" and me, we have lived 25 years together or not together. He lived inside me as a clear image of krishna from since i remember but later went on to the vibrant images shiva, godesses, etc.. but he did stay in there. When i was sad, i questioned him, when i was hurt, i blamed him, when i was desperate i begged to him. As time progressed, he was my way of explaining death, my way of understanding wrong decisions.

But at one point in my life, i realized he was no more my string of hope, but he was my rock. The rock behind which i hid my failures. I was at a loss. I could pray no more. I felt i knew too much to close my eyes and just say "oh god , please make this happen for me'. It was so easy to be a believer. But i still am not a non believer. I have just lost faith in closing my eyes and chanting daily.

I believe in the supreme power of the universe, i believe in working hard to make something happen, i believe in doing good for the people around me, i believe in honesty and truthfulness, but i have lost my blind faith in god. I lost him somewhere between my spiritual search and understanding the ways of universe.

I am afraid i have even lost faith in him to actually hope that my faith will be restored one day. So god walked out on me. But why? He didn't betray me, he never actually disappoint me in any way.

I believe in going to temples i believe in the positive vibes there, i believe in lighting the lamp in my home, i believe it purifies my home. But i lost faith in the images that were once my reason to survive everything that came my way.

So why did he actually leave me? or did i leave him? I remember thanking him for every road he made me take, for all those small things that actually contributed to making me who i am and to getting me to where i am. But there was always this question, now what? i think i saw god associated with my goals in life. I was closest to him when i knew i was nowhere near my dream and it will take some divine intervention to get there. Divine or not, i always got there. So then i thanked him. This went on till one day, i lost my dreams to reality. The fairy-tale ceased to exit. Life was beautiful but not magical. Beautiful was enough so magical was forgotten and so was my faith, without faith i never needed god.

But god did come back to me, when smile bloomed through misery, i saw his light, when success rose from suffering i saw his strength and when love bloomed, i felt his blessing. I realized i was looking for him in the wrong places, he was always there inside me, as a friend and a guide, as my support and ladder. Dear god, once more i would like to thank you for making my life so beautiful that i could feel you in every breath i take.