A little heart beat, that was all that took to reassure me that everything is going to be fine. It could even bring a faint smile to my face. It was in that moment lying on an inspection table in a hospital that i realised that small things can be powerful too. It made me remember me that i am capable of such deep and strong emotions.
Life had become somewhat a routine after almost 3 years of marriage and a full time job. Living in a place far away from what i could call home only added to my monotonous life. So when i became pregnant, i didn't feel much it was nothing more than a small discomfort in the belly. life went as ususal.
Nausea , morning sickness, back pain, all this added to my plight. And all i could think was completing the nine months and going back to my normal life. Even when people asked me will you work after having baby, all i could say was why shouldn't i ? I will hire a maid and go back to work. but i never realised that little thing growing inside me already had such a strong grip on me. It was a regular morning. I was in the office washroom ( a place where i spent more time than my desk since i became pregnant) and suddenly there was a red stain in the toilet. I couldn't accept what was happening. I couldn't think what to do. A part of me was even asking me to ignore it as it was going to be hard to face it. But somehow i gathered enough strength and took my bag and took a taxi to hospital.
It was when i opened my purse that i realised i didn't have enough money if something out of regular is going to happen. I was surprised at my ability to think logically at that point. I didn't even make a single phone call till i reached the hospital and took an appointment. I was usually a very scared person. I was scared of hospitals, I was scared of injections. I had to consult someone every time i had to make a simple decision. but this time, it felt like i was totally someone else.
Finally when i sat down in front of the inspection room waiting for my turn, tears started rolling out of my eyes. I just could not control, I didn't know why. i knew i was in a safe palce. I knew i had already done what i had to do and that i had done that well and without anybody's help. But i was still crying.I was not sure if it was that i had to face such a situation all alone that made me cry or that a hard realisation that when it came to the most important things every single human being was alone. When doctor called me in, i could not even look at her or explain what happened i was totally lost in tears.
She took me to the examination table. Put the heart beat scanner to my belly. It was squealing. I asked her is everything ok? she told me it is just the machine having a loose contact. And finally after a lot of trying and minutes that felt like hours, i heard it, a small heart beat. Feeble but strong, steady and fast. At that moment, all my worries and sadness vanished. I knew everything was going to be fine. It was like this was all that mattered.
In the past 26 years of my life, I have very seldom felt such strong emotions. But anything i ever felt till that day was nothing compared to this. That was the moment i knew that i cared so much for this baby and i loved it probably more than i ever knew. That was the moment i became a mother. Even though my baby will take four more months to come, i knew how much that baby is going to matter, how much my world and my priorities are going to change.
Life had become somewhat a routine after almost 3 years of marriage and a full time job. Living in a place far away from what i could call home only added to my monotonous life. So when i became pregnant, i didn't feel much it was nothing more than a small discomfort in the belly. life went as ususal.
Nausea , morning sickness, back pain, all this added to my plight. And all i could think was completing the nine months and going back to my normal life. Even when people asked me will you work after having baby, all i could say was why shouldn't i ? I will hire a maid and go back to work. but i never realised that little thing growing inside me already had such a strong grip on me. It was a regular morning. I was in the office washroom ( a place where i spent more time than my desk since i became pregnant) and suddenly there was a red stain in the toilet. I couldn't accept what was happening. I couldn't think what to do. A part of me was even asking me to ignore it as it was going to be hard to face it. But somehow i gathered enough strength and took my bag and took a taxi to hospital.
It was when i opened my purse that i realised i didn't have enough money if something out of regular is going to happen. I was surprised at my ability to think logically at that point. I didn't even make a single phone call till i reached the hospital and took an appointment. I was usually a very scared person. I was scared of hospitals, I was scared of injections. I had to consult someone every time i had to make a simple decision. but this time, it felt like i was totally someone else.
Finally when i sat down in front of the inspection room waiting for my turn, tears started rolling out of my eyes. I just could not control, I didn't know why. i knew i was in a safe palce. I knew i had already done what i had to do and that i had done that well and without anybody's help. But i was still crying.I was not sure if it was that i had to face such a situation all alone that made me cry or that a hard realisation that when it came to the most important things every single human being was alone. When doctor called me in, i could not even look at her or explain what happened i was totally lost in tears.
She took me to the examination table. Put the heart beat scanner to my belly. It was squealing. I asked her is everything ok? she told me it is just the machine having a loose contact. And finally after a lot of trying and minutes that felt like hours, i heard it, a small heart beat. Feeble but strong, steady and fast. At that moment, all my worries and sadness vanished. I knew everything was going to be fine. It was like this was all that mattered.
In the past 26 years of my life, I have very seldom felt such strong emotions. But anything i ever felt till that day was nothing compared to this. That was the moment i knew that i cared so much for this baby and i loved it probably more than i ever knew. That was the moment i became a mother. Even though my baby will take four more months to come, i knew how much that baby is going to matter, how much my world and my priorities are going to change.
And you posting this after delivering the babe ? :-P :-)
ReplyDelete:) this was drafted before that. just took some time to publish
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